What will make me great? 

I don’t want to give only get, and this shames me

The wind brings thoughts of fame and power

But I am reluctant to commit

I laugh at the universe and cry at my ignominy

Such a beautiful piece but lost, amongst the shifting breeze

I want it all the fame and glory, the adulation but this shames me

Desires so base, a tussle amongst thoughts

For I sometimes see, the transcendent thought

A ship anchored deep to solid ground 

Solid yet briefly seen amongst the shifting foggy winds

To clear the air and see the ship, this I seek above all

Safety is the wind that bellows the rich fog around my spot

A fog that holds me tight and that I once thought was right

Am I not happy here? Yet it clears briefly and I see the ship

Obscured and smudged yet haloed, almost translucent 

Yet tainted immediately by the fog of fame, power, insecurity and fear

I struggle and one day might take a step but for now the chains bind well

Fear it is always there,
Right inside my head
You aren’t any good
You will fail
Your life will be meaningless
unless you do this and that
which are told to me
by all and the world around me

Are they really me?
Or can I break free?
The Gita and Watts
All say life can be got
If only one can be shot
Of the painful and nasty thoughts
That are constantly taught

So fear you are not me
For I am free
For there is nothing but me
As far as the eye can see
Despite all my begrudgery 
It does not define me
Now and me is instead eternity

I imagine myself
What of myself?
If I imagine myself
Does that mean I am myself?
Or do we share a self?
But how share a self?

Maybe I can imagine myself
As yourself and myself
And the dogself and the catself
The sunsetself and the toesdippinginwarmwaterself
The parasiteself and the virusself
The murderself and the jesusself

But then I am a murderself and a virusself!
I am the beautiful and purest self not a nasty virusself!
But without disease we not not have the healthyself!
So maybe I need the unhappyself to have the happyself?

It tortures and bathes me in great ecstasy
I need it and it needs me
Symbiotic and parasitically 
Under Western philosophy,
You are you and my enemy
We struggle isolatingly 

Beguiling yet self denying it is sought
In every little emotion and thought
A foe to be slayed and trophied
While it laughs heartily and frustratingly
Hiding in shadows and self doubt

But instead of a battle to be fought
It is better to laugh heartily
That all is not as it seems to be 
That ego is simply a thought learned
From the great Western philosophy
For everything is me and I am everything.

Why must you twist me?
Putting thoughts into my head
Sucking up the natural life
Over years personality shaped
Natural exurberence, slowly decays
Becomign others slave, 
Thoughts not my own infecting me
Imagination stolen
Lost amongst the fallen
Slowly twisted into shape, grotesque and bent 

So many people lost amongst the crowd
Fearful and afraid, follow the options planned
Life a battle full of pain and loss
Suppressed intuition, a forced calling
Slowly the body twists and tightens
Stress and inactive positioning
Breathing starts to fail 
Lost amongst the painful thoughts
Trapped without really feeling any loss

I need to create and it runs deep, for I am restless
The need to create comes shining through yet is beset
But do I create for others? In there lies hell
Is it not a waste of life to create something nobody needs?

I can’t free myself, the need run deeps but is strangled
Let it flow like water from the ground, surging up 
Life like true art does not need to exist. Purposeless beauty.
But purpose is all I have, action without purpose.. so alien.
Or so I am taught, the thought always rises, to create for others
It has eroded deep groves, and infects everything. 

Action done for admiration, respect and fame, perverted by desire.
To create for nothing, the highest and most noble act. Life defined.
An act of pure inspiration, divine and free. Purposeless beauty.
Shackelless, without expectation conceived and pure, without hipocrasy
I strive but I am weak and surrender is hard, the habits bind
Habits of thought bind and strangle but I struggle to break free
Always the thought, I could be great in the eyes of others 
I struggle and one day I will break free

The pain and suffering of humiliation settled down upon the centre of consciousness, the numbing feeling of constriction and pain. Shoulders tightening, head pounding and despairing. The whole room was chanting calling out in unison and laughing. The bitter feeling of hate and envy coursing viscerally throughout, words and emotion physically damaging the brain. 

Reality immovable and impervious. Strength marshalled, the walls long weakened slowly fall. Vulnerable, exposed and fleeing in the face of inevitable pulverising defeat. Inadequate, all defences breeched, the rout total and complete. A furnace of anger, pain and desire destroy all. The result a twisted jagged shard that bites deep and firm, the anglers hook, poisoning the deep depths of a mental well.

The long, suffering, desperate, pleading, desire for acceptance. Acceptance at any cost physical, mental, psychological. I must become that which brings acceptance and praise, starving in the desert. Only ragged and scattered strength remains.

If only I was great if only the world could hear my name. If only I could amount to something then the pain would go away. For I am nothing now. Only despair and shame buried deep. Directionless and easily led bumbling in the darkness and afraid, looking for warmth in cracks and crevices. Looking around at the other ones, trying to be them. You must be the best or better or you will not be accepted, they know better for you know nothing. A twisted thought buried deep, ‘Is it good enough, will they like it?’ blocks all paths to freedom. 

Cyclical thoughts binding tight, limiting movement, trapped. A rational being, programmed, personality unknown, locked an actor upon the stage playing a fake character he can’t tolerate. Acceptance and praise, all external, my garden now relies on others their praise the poisoned water that I thirst for.

Deep message